Argh Common Test are over, but to me, hell has just started.

Lets see, im gonna fail almost all subjects. This time round, i think i have no choice but to be true to my word...dun want also cnnt.

Haiz, how to pass my days? outings cancelled? computer taken away? hp confiscated? money deducted? WHO KNOWS!!!

i can feel a major depression coming up, the kind deeper then the Grand Canyon and bigger then smtg very humongous. and sorry to the people that i have stoned over the last few days, smtg called pre-depression syndrome. Very dangerous and scary and contagious, i think the whole school starting/got the thingy ready

AIYA!!!! I HATE DNT!!!!

Lone Ranger...
...alone in the dark...

First Day of Chinese New Year, a day of faked feelings.

thousands of feelings, millions of words but all i did i remain silence

issit me or does turning 15 just so hard? ntg but confusion after confusion since Jan 1st... lost all meanings and memories

Lone Ranger...
...alone in the dark...

Haiz ysterday should not have act that i lost my voice, now my voice seriously sore and very very pain, worse still it seems that i will never have a time where i sore throat and my voice goes deeper, now cnnt sing, cnnt even reach the normal low notes. BASKET!!! Then i think i must distance myself from Amirul, he public declared on the bus that he wias gonna kill me...for doing that Bus first, Bus second, Bus third( bustard) on him. How to survive if my CCA chairman is after my head? OH its now Chinese New Year, almost anyway, so the only heads that can roll are pigs...actually now Pig Year i wonder if will have suckling pig and all the pork dishes, will we go halal? i dunno.

Lone Ranger...
...alone in the dark...

Issit me or does the world revolves around vulgarity. Maybe im too paticular, trying to open my mind to further, but i just cant do so...so far these year, all i have are pockets of little joy and buckets of emotions.

heaven choir, earthly school, hell home

Lone Ranger...
...alone in the dark...

Tomorrow Valentines, but today, the eve of valentine...i think i know many lonely sould out there. I even helped someone to break up with the stead.. Tml, valentine day that person will be a lonely soul. I feel ashamed of what i have done. Sorry...

i think i feel enlightened by rachels words ystd. It did took some time to let in sink in and i manage to refrain from much of my evilness. I guess i will be taking the better of the two choices available...hopefully i can always choose those choices. oh! one evil i have to do is to have revenge on imran. For standing me up and pang sei-ing me two days in a row...argh damn boody frustrated.

Thanks everyone for their encouraging words last few days, must have been very problematic but thx again. Very touching and did affect me, or well, did help me make up alot of decisions. ALways did knew i always had the lucky number 13 of u all to fall back on.

i seriously must be more firm in my decisions

Lone Ranger...
...alone in the dark...

Yesterday, was very fun. Thanks to Issac. He somehow just loved me. Everytime he feels like crying he will run to me. Not his parents or maid...me! i am just so well liked.

so today received present from tiffany and cheryl, haha quite late like abt a month? but nvm still quite elated i got a present. To Cheryl: haha sorry hor not buying u a gift. i feel very awful not doing so.

mdm shahara bdae today. i didnt listen much of the impt FT thingy cause i was helping li yuan do his ART!!! gosh...im so talented. then CE got the fencing, today was ultra tiring, more tiring then the first. Last week, russell nvr come, so when i told him what we did, he was like " chey! ntg much lah small fry" this week his first lesson, he was like dying...actually everyone was almost dying.

recess we paid $3 to eat half a share of hotcakes... stupid xin ci go and order macdonald and somemore hotcakes... $3 per person...very ex. then somemore we had to share with another person, so its like 2 to a meal...then some ppl nvr even eat. then b4 that i paid $50 for my $3, li yuan did the same. i only had that note with me...no other money. that note was supoosed to buy this girl smtg for some occasion but nvm. then li yuan paid $50 but he nvr eat he was that 1 person in the whole class hu didnt get to eat... they all sang so many time bdae song, i was sooo embarrased.

after school, i waited for imran for like half an hour coz we were supposed to go PP to get something for some people for some occasion. then he come and tell me he got a maths remedial,
then after making he feel bad, i told him i also cldnt make it cause i had CNY practise.

I think i am changing alot means, since last yr, i changed alot? the new class had alot of effect on me. sure this class is getting better and better, but it can never be compared with last years. so i dunno if these are considered changes, me breaking promises more than ever, letting ppl suan me so much with no effect, being overboard with my behavior on girls. haiz, didnt know when that change happens...is my change good or bad?

Lone Ranger...
...alone in the dark...

Todays your birthday, its no big wonder how easily i have forgotten. i could never remember any birthdays in our family...just roughly when. If it wasnt for sis telling me, i would have fought with you already.

Personally, i dun care if its your birthday today. Or that theres reunion dinner tomorrow night. It just means a another meal that i must show fake filialship and kindness and close relationship. To you? It just means about taking hold of the ooprtunity. bossing me around and making me say things that will be beneficial to you next time. I dun care if you cancelled your dinner tonite or that its your birthday and you must have some forgiveness. I seriously hate being the ONLY one that COULD give you the present, since things gotten to this stage, why even bother faking ur emotions and still bother giving her a present?

Go file for a divorce, i have been rooting for that decision for countless of times. You have said it so many times, what happen to your " WORD IS LAW" and " I WILL DO WHAT I SAY " phrases? I dun care about the future or the consequences about divorcing, I might even ask the Judge to send me to an orphanage, atleast it beats living with either of you and kept being reminded of the whole process. Who knows? i might even suffer...atleast in an orphanage, no relations will be attached...no one cares about me, and i can do whichever i like, rebel whenever possible, and be playful whenever i want.

The term "Mother" "Family" "Reunion" no longer holds a meaning in my dictionary, even shit does have a space in my dictionary.

Once again, i did not do anything.

How am i suppose to vent my anger while not making u all worried?

Lone Ranger...
...alone in the dark...

Who cares if u make a police report? Who cares if you go and take legal actions? WHO GIVES THE BLOODY CARE IF YOUR INJURED? WHO WANNA GO TO YOUR STUPID FAMILY HELP? YOUR THE CAUSE OF IT ALL LAH! for the past 5-6 years all of us minding our own business then ur the only one who goes and scold everyone of us. You say we on TV too loud, 24/7 ur the one making the noise lah. Not one week can i get through without getting angry with you...NEITHER OF US! everytime u shout shout whole neighbourhood can hear lah! say by telling us ur giving us chance, who the hell needs ur chances? say all u want is a happy family, then let me ask u? when was the last time either of us ( other than u) make any complaints abt each other and blow the smallest things up? for the last few years, all we have ever heard is " I want ...." all u think about is what you want, you dun even give the least care for our feelings. You say you want clean house and family still got the guts to say u dun like to clean, what u expect me to do? be a maid and clean for you issit? Buzz off lah. Go and refuse treatment, drug yourself with medication, then when u ill ready tell us ur sad story of being ill and cnnt do anything, must give way to u. We tell u to go and see doctor say dun want, not say like u stupid or dumb or what u just purposely want to screw urself up and then blame everything and us? you say dunno how many times ur thyroid go under radio treatment, its failure all our fault, then dun u know it helps if u can control. Give the fucking story of u cnnt stand things, then u expect us to tolerate you issit? Everytime dad go and let way to you, u will push it and then u end up qurrelling with him. U always bias agiainst me, then when sis screw up u expect me to do everything. Say when i start school, she will be the one doing the housework to make up for the housework i did for her during her A's, then now? i ended up having more things to do. Sis prob is equal to two times my prob? issit my fault that YOU make it so impossible for anyone to tell you something? sometimes i just wonder if i should just fuck u up down. make me the middle man, thn what u expect me to do? all the things u hate doing always ended up with ME to do! who the hell says the smallest in the family always gets the good stuff? you go and occasionally do housework then say its an occasion, must give more way to you. Dun you know we also got a limit, day in day out its always abt you, do that small little bit of stuff for us then say u care for us alot,everytime open mouth is what you want, what we must do for you, we must listen to you, you matter most, ur our mother so ur word is law.

TODAY u go and tell me to keep the newspaper properly for what, not say i put one. once i help, nvm. But u know how many times redi not? U angry with sis, ended up scolding and whacking me. TV also dunno how to on still say we rotten pigs who screw our studies up. Water so near to you just reach your hand and take dun want, u prefer to scream for us in our rooms, make urself angry just so we could walk all the way to your room, while ur lying on your bed, under the blanket, watching korean dramas and serve you. EVEN THE VCR ALSO DUNNO HOW TO ON...CAN SCOLD US USELESS GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BUMS!
you say must learn to put our stuff preperly, want to find easy. YOU? want to watch expect us to walk from our rooms, abandon our studies, on the VCR find ur CD, and play it for you. sometimes even expect us to rewind all the way so that u can see a funny part then forward till the exact spot where u last stop. Then if cnnt find the CD or part, u bloody fucking scold us. Every time say must iron our clothes the night before and dun rush in the morning, what happens every morning then? You scream the hell out of us, to find YOUR CLOTHES and expect us to iron for you, making me somtimes so late despite MY CONSTANT REMINDERS!!! you damn bloody smart rite? everything ask us keep, then anything cnnt find, our fault. SCREW YOU!

YOU! ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! i always screw up my tests, you make the phrase "home sweet home" so far away because of you, ever since it happen, my grades have been deproving...sometimes i just feel slight elation when u screw urself up, when ur sick, when ur angry.

all these things...i have yet to say to you...

shld i do it or not?

Lone Ranger...
...alone in the dark...

Haha today very exhausting.

first had Fencing. Very tired. all the stupid foot work and stuff. shant elaborate

haha today screwed up cheryl's blog. I have no idea what i did, i just messed up her pw and username...almost wiped clean her codes...was this close to just deleting her blog...but now okay le...

Cheryl, sorry for messing up your blog...if u still find got problem, tell me k? i go fix it...

Lone Ranger...
...alone in the dark...

Sometimes, i just wished i would not think that much, act on impulse. Everytime that feeling came, i felt like a coward. Unable to do anything, unable to even say anything... smtimes i wonder if i ever had guts, just that many impulses, that many things in my mind planned what to say, what to do when she says/do anything.

Yesterday : My mother caught my sister and her secret boyfriend together. I shant say any more abt that but they had a big 1-1 interview? so whatever happen, my mother did not wish to tok to my sis and i ended up getting scolded for the slightest of things...once again, that feeling of just whacking her came so close.

Today slept at 2 am woke at 4-5, my mum just cldnt stand my sis, and wanted smtg to be done. so, she woke me and my dad up...my sis? sleeping. my parents quarrelled and many a times i felt that i had to say smtg but i didnt.

so the 3 km jog/walk/stroll was alot easierthan i tot. last yr's 5 km was tiring, everyone almost gave upat 1 km...but this yr 3 km just seemed a breeze. anw i tink hanging out with friends is the greatest joy of my life at the moment.

so i came back home, straightaway started spring cleaning, i cant believe i was able to do it, tolerating her and the work...

sm1, if u have any suggestion...tell me, i just dunno whether to just move to an orphanage or to just tolerate....

no one will ever understand me, how cld u when i dun even know...

Lone Ranger...
...alone in the dark...